i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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