So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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