I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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