so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
