Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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