dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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