my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
