I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
