i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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