So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I forget how to act sober
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
