My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
