Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
