Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Damn victory sex feels great
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
