Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
