from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
