everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
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