his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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