he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
When did angry sex become our thing?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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