Your dad touched me again.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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