wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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