it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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