I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
