god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
