No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
