Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
