The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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