Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
