you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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