hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
