Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
