i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Randomize
