Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Are these your boobs on my camera?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
