Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
