Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
