70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
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