I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
