my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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