Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
