you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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