I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
