So drunk its hurt
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
