If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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