the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Is it because I queefed?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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