A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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