any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
My penis needs a shock collar
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
