Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
