Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
