mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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