there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
