the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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