1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
