I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
