i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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