Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
