it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
