I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
My bed smells like the plague
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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