if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
she pinky promised me she was 18
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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